When You Get to the Point Where You Don’t Feel or Want to Feel Anything


Addictions can enslave the one who is addicted. It can be hard to feel like you have a choice to stop. Automatically the whole body, including the mind, goes right to whatever will relieve the uncomfortable feelings or whatever it’s trying to numb from. I remember getting to a point where I didn’t feel or want to feel anything. My mind was constantly on when, where, and how I could binge, purge, and self harm. My mind was enslaved by my addiction and I  did not feel like I had a choice to stop. Nor did I want to because “real life” with all its insecurities, fear, and judgments was just too much to handle.

To those who are suffering from an addiction, ANY addiction: You have the power to choose to stop. You have the ability to become free from the addiction enslaving you.

BUT not alone.

With the help of professionals and a higher power you can make the choice to stop. I’ve seen this work with me and others. It takes courage to be willing and act on getting help. It takes courage to make one decision to stop and then to keep making that decision over and over again. You can do hard things, and  you are not left without help.

I was able to receive professional treatment for my eating disorder and self harm. This gave me many tools to be able to deal with life and all the hardships that go with it. It gave me help, through medicine and therapy, to be in a healthier place and make hard decisions; like letting go of my addiction. Throughout and even after my treatment, I still wasn’t relying on my higher power as much as I could have.

My higher power is Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Some time after my treatment,  I vividly remember being so anxious, angry, and frustrated with some relationships. In the moment when I was feeling all of these emotions,  I really wanted to binge and purge or self harm. I remember hitting a breaking point. I really wanted to make the choice to numb, but instead I made the choice to  pray like crazy. I prayed until I was calmer. I kept praying in my heart all day so I would feel at peace. I chose to not let my addiction take over. I chose to rely on Heavenly Father and Christ to help me be strong and get through what I felt like I couldn’t. It was so very hard, but I did it.

I continue to have the struggle of making the choice to stop my addictions. It’s an ongoing decision. Real life is hard, but it’s so much better than addicted life. Real life has pain and sorrow, but so much joy and peace. When you are not addicted you experience real life and it’s worth all the happiness that comes. So please, get yourself the help you need to make the decision to let go of what is enslaving you. You can feel happiness. You can feel peace and hope. You can choose to let go of your addiction with help.