…But Not For the Reason You Think
An Apology To My College Boyfriend
I still remember where I was the night my very first boyfriend in college told me he took medication to help him cope with his struggle with depression. I, very condescendingly I’m sure, told him that he shouldn’t be on medication for that. He just needed to focus on the positive in life and have more faith in God. I knew that I was right because I had zero experience with depression and was an all-wise 18-year old.
Even though that relationship was short-lived and we lost touch soon after it ended, I still cringe every time I remember that night. I should have been grateful to him for bravely opening up to me. Instead, I invalidated his struggles and the realness of his illness. If our paths ever cross again, I will be so grateful for the opportunity to apologize for my foolish insensitivity.
You know what they say about karma though.
I have been on the flip side of that conversation so many times. And I’ve really kind of had it with people refusing to believe that depression is a real thing and that when it’s really bad, no amount of positive thinking can will it away. And I really really really can’t take any more people believing and suggesting that those of us who suffer with depression are somehow choosing to be depressed instead of choosing to “think more positively”. This is just ludicrous and disrespectful in the worst way.
Depression is real, folks. But you’re right—I do choose depression.
I’ve kind of had it up to here (imagine me raising my hand up as high as it will go) with this mentality that I am lazily allowing myself to be depressed rather than pulling myself up by my bootstraps and squaring my shoulders and just functioning like all of the “normal” people.
So, to all of the people who think that people like me are choosing depression: You are right. We do. But it’s not the choice you think it is. It’s not a choice between A) Dwelling under a cloud of darkness, self-loathing, and all sorts of scary negative thoughts or B) Floating on the bright clouds of happiness and sliding down beautiful rainbows of positivity.
No, our choice is between living a life with depression, or ending that life and the depression that comes with it.
Let me paint you a picture of what living with that decision is like when things are really bad:
I know it’s hard to live with me when I’m incredibly down day after day, so I try very hard to keep it all together so that my husband can have a semi-nice evening at home. But by the time we head to bed, the heaviness is just too much and the thought of waking up in the morning and still having to bear that heaviness is more than I can take. And I start crying. And then I just can’t stop. I sob and sob and sob. And then I hold my breath until things start to go black at the edges. I drag myself off of the bed and manage to get ready for bed with only minimal crying. My husband keeps asking how he can help, but my shame from knowing how much I must be disappointing him overwhelms me past being able to talk or explain or ask for help. He knows from past experiences that if he pushes too hard, things frequently only get worse, so he backs off and hurts for the both of us as he helplessly watches me continue to struggle. And my guilt just grows.
I sob through my bedtime prayer. Have you ever prayed to God and only been able to beg for death? And then to apologize for having such an unworthy desire? But then to still insist that death is the only desire of your heart?
If you’ve read my other posts, you know that I do not take any regular prescriptions to treat my bipolar. However, last September my anxiety got so extreme, my doctor prescribed lorazepam for me to take on an as-needed basis. It can be highly addictive and becomes less effective (requiring increased dosage) the more it is used, so I really try to limit my intake. Even though what I am experiencing at this point is more depression than anxiety, I take a pill. The main benefit of this medication for me is that is puts me in a highly sedated state. I know that if I can just hold on until that sedative effect sets in, I can probably survive another night of this. Without the meds, I know that I will manage to quiet my sobs long enough for my husband to fall asleep and then I will ransack my home in search of lithium pills. I no longer take them, so I apparently gave them to my husband months ago to hide from me, knowing they would be what I would turn to at a time like this.
So, I take my lorazepam and continue to cry as I desperately cling to what little rational control I have left while I wait for it to take effect. This is one of those truly ugly cries. Inhuman sounds escape my lungs, broken by gasps for breath, as my whole body shudders from the pain of just wanting to cease to exist.
I believe in an afterlife, so at times like this, not even death sounds comforting any more. Because if everyone else is disappointed in me (as my depressed brain tells me must be so), surely God is too. Especially because He has given me so many beautiful blessings and I am selfishly longing to throw it all away in order to escape this burden of life. I cannot bear the thought of standing so shameful in His presence. All of my beliefs of His loving forgiveness, of having the limitations of my physical body (including bipolar depression) lifted, and His ultimate desire for me to be happy, are distant thoughts that I cannot grasp or accept as truths at this moment.
In this moment there is only pain and never-ending darkness. And the desire to make it end. The only way I know how.
My doctor and my therapist say that I am a “success story.” My husband says I’m a “fighter”. Both of those labels feel foreign. My story is not yet over, so how can it be considered successful? And I don’t feel like I’m fighting so much as barely hanging on. Unwillingly, at that.
But I manage to hang on for one more night. My husband rubs my back and tries to calm the sobs racking my body with words of comfort and love. And eventually, the lorazepam begins to take over and the pain is dulled enough for me to finally rest and sleep.
Every time I wake up in the night, the pain of the sadness hits before I even experience conscious thought. Eventually, morning comes. I have a routine and plans to follow—something I learned to do so that I could survive these times. I get up, go for a run, try to not give in to the pain of the thoughts that won’t stop coming, come home, get ready for the day, and put on a smile.
You cannot see even the slightest hint at the pain I’m covering up inside. Most people I know like me are very good at hiding it. In many ways it’s just easier. I couldn’t function while simultaneously giving myself over to those racking sobs again. But that doesn’t mean it’s less real. That doesn’t mean it’s “all in my head”, that I could just will it away by thinking more positively, or that I really can control it. All I can control is how I behave and what you see.
But, I guess it does mean that I choose depression, like you think I do. There are a lot of people in my life who say they love me and I know they count on me. So, nearly every day of my life I choose depression. I choose depression so that these four little people that I helped create can have a mom, so my husband doesn’t lose his wife, so my family doesn’t lose a daughter and sister, and so my friends don’t lose a friend. My depression tells me that these people would all be better of if they did lose me. But, I also choose to not believe that. Or at least, I do my best to choose to not believe it. And when I can’t choose to not believe it, I take medication that I hate in order to escape having to make any choices for a little while.
So the next time you think that someone is choosing to be depressed, remind yourself that they really are. And that is one of the hardest and bravest choices anyone can make. And then try offering them a little encouragement and support for their choice. This life is hard enough for every one of us. We should be kind to each other as we journey through it.
Note from the Author: Some concern has been expressed about my decision to not take regular medications to treat my bipolar II disorder. This came after over a year of trying several different meds and combinations of meds and finally realizing I was only getting worse. My doctors not only agreed with my decision, but encouraged it. However, my experience is not typical. I am an advocate for doing whatever it takes to help you with your personal battle and if medication is helpful for you, please keep taking it!
You amaze me, Cheryl! I love how open you are. I think writing can be very therapeutic, and you are opening so many people’s eyes to what it’s like to suffer with depression. Your voice is making a difference.
Melissa,
Thanks so much! I genuinely hope it’s helping someone. I feel so humbled to be able to be a voice for this issue.
I love you Cheryl. Thank you for being open and real. And thank you for choosing to live with depression. You are amazing and strong and I feel blessed to count you as a friend.
Heather,
I love you, too! And it’s me who is blessed to have you. You have made more difference in my life than I’ll ever be able to thank you for.
I feel your words so deeply! Its so strange reading your story and feeling peace, because it is so similar to mine the last few months. Thank you for being brave.
Ashleigh,
I’m so sorry you can relate to that so well, but I’m humbled and grateful for the opportunity to help someone else find a little peace. Just remember to keep fighting! Our minds like to lie to us and tell us things are never going to get better, or that we’ve never truly been happy–but it’s not true. Things do get better and happiness and joy will come. You just have to hold on until they do. Hugs.
This is the best description of depression that I’ve ever read. Cheryl, thank you for your courage for choosing depression and for sharing what that means.
Scott,
As someone who has actually written a part of his story into a book, I have deep respect for your opinion and am both flattered and humbled by your praise. Thank you. And thank you and your fantastic family for being some of the people that make choosing depression a little easier and more worthwhile. You guys are truly some of the best people I know!
I found your post from a dear mutual friend on facebook and I just wanted to reach out (although I don’t know you)
This is a very brave post, some great explanations and information here to those who don’t understand. I am also biopolar – diagnosed as II but I’ve re-adjusted to bipolar I – which there aren’t really that many differences. I’ve never had a psychotic break, never been hospitalized (which is what most people thing bipolar is) and I am more on the manic side than depressive – which is also very uncomfortable and has affected my life severely at times.
A couple things I thought about when reading this are
1. my therapist always tells me “if people could “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” and feel better, they would.” No one wants to be depressed and go through that – so that sort of judgement is just ridiculous and I’m sorry to those who have experienced that. Sometimes all the information in the world won’t change people’s idea of what it is to “be crazy”. 🙂
2. Going through bipolar long term without on-going medication is .. I dare to say almost dangerous. So that worries me for you – I say that with the greatest sympathy and empathy. I understand not wanting to take anything, i fought it for years – I barely even take Tylenol unless I have to. But I finally gave in, tried several kinds, several combinations, adjustments, etc – it’s a LONG process to find what will work for you – but when you finally do, it’s worth it. I got so desperate that I finally said “I’ll take whatever you tell me, I just can’t feel this way anymore”. Now that I’ve been managing it this way, my quality of life has severely improved.
Regarding Lithium – it’s not THE worst medication to take – there are others with much harsher side effects – and Lithium has been used to manage manic depressive for over 40 years. BUT it can be rough on your kidneys over time (it takes years and years) and I had a lot of side effects and stomach issues with it. I switched off of it a long time ago.
But “searching and finding lithium to take” in midst of an episode doesn’t do anything because it’s something that needs to build up in your bloodstream over time. It will take 3-4 weeks for Lithium to help. Lamictal is something to look into because I’ve had amazing success with it – it’s fairly cheap and virtually NO side effects.
You probably already know all of this, but I just wanted to share my thoughts and I’m sorry this is ridiculously long. I know you don’t know me but you don’t have to suffer so much with bipolar – it CAN be managed and you can have a more stable frame of mind and a lesser burden. The choice between struggling and barely hanging on and going on medication even though you don’t want to, can be a very hard decision. I hope you never feel that desperate. I have all the sympathy in the world for what you (we) go through. It’s just one part of who you are and it’s ok. I prefer the term brain disease as opposed to mental illness. There is such a stigma here and you are doing more than most to combat that so I applaud your bravery.
Joy–I am so touched by your kindness and especially your concern for me, as a complete stranger. Thank you! I’ve written in greater detail in my posts about “The Guessing Game Advocate” and “People Aren’t Peanut Butter” the reasons why I don’t take medication, but just to put your mind at ease–it’s after a long road of trying every medication and combination of meds under the sun. It was during my second hospitalization in 6 months that multiple doctors agreed with my assessment that meds were actually making me worse. Meds made life pretty scary for me, but I still try to stay open and my doctor and I discuss new and different options every time I visit, thus my prescription for lorazepam. For the time being though, we’ve both determined to leave things as they are. But I do a ton of things to maintain as high a level of stability and wellness as I can.
And your comment helped me to realize that I didn’t explain my thought process behind my desire for lithium in that moment. Sadly, lithium had no therapeutic effect for me. But I have a ton of it from when I was on it and I know that if I took it all of it it would definitely be fatal. I am fully aware of how painful a death that is, but in that moment even an excruciating death seems preferable to the pain I’m currently experiencing.
Again, thank you for sharing your story with me! I’m so proud of you for taking the steps to confront and manage your disease and I am so happy it is going relatively well for you! But I hear you on the mania–that can be so disruptive and frustrating! Good luck!
Thank you for sharing your very real struggle & for having the courage to keep fighting through each day. Both my son & I have experienced depression. I never would have realized just how much a chemical in our brain can so thoroughly alter thoughts unless I experienced it first hand. It really is a choice to believe those that love you instead of our mind that tells us we are failing. My son started experiencing anxiety at the age of about 10 & that got more severe which led to deep depression. He didn’t understand what specifically was wrong & we just thought he was extremely shy. At the age of 18 he told us that his faith in God kept him from taking his own life. His anxiety got so bad he couldn’t leave the house & then eventually was anxious every waking moment. We got him into a great out patient program with cognitive behavior therapy & medication. It has been a long road but things are looking up for him. I am doing well with medication & some therapy as well. Life is different for each of us & there is no one way to solve all of the mental illnesses but getting discussion going is one of the best things that can happen. Thank you!
Becca–One of my sons struggles with severe anxiety as well. Perhaps the only thing harder than dealing with this in yourself is watching your child struggle with it. I am so happy to hear that you have found things that are helping him and yourself! What a blessing you are to your son that you have been proactive in helping him to get help. Thank you so much for sharing a part of your story with me. It is always so reassuring to not feel alone in all of this. I’ll be sending up prayers for you and your son.
I don’t have Bipolar, but suffer from clinical depression and I’m going on 12 years with it, and medications don’t help. I have a genetic mutation that many people with mental health issues also have, and it can cause a lot of this stuff. It’s called MTHFR gene mutation. Look it up and see what you think. Also, I have been taking a supplement that is vitamins and minerals that is called EMPower Plus Q96. They have two formulas, and both were formulated to help with mental health issues. The man who started the company did so after his wife with Bipolar committed suicide. He has two children that also have Bipolar, and they have been ‘normal’ since taking these supplements for years now. I thought it sounded too good to be true, but you should check it out. The daughter’s name is Autumn Stringham, and she has a book on amazon about her story of overcoming bipolar. There are alternatives to prescription drugs.
Amber,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share these suggestions with me! I’m sorry to hear you’re in my same boat with trying to deal with something that medications just don’t help with. I too have MTHFR. It’s a long story, but I haven’t been taking anything to address that for several years. It’s probably time that I look into that again though. Does the EMPower Plus help you? I hope so! I took it for a year, but really didn’t notice a difference. I read Autumn’s book and really wanted it to help, but it just didn’t. Still, her story is very encouraging! Thanks again! Good luck with your struggles!
Dear Cheryl,
Have you ever heard of Truehope Empowerment? It is a natural vitamin formulated to help the brain function properly. It has been very helpful for all kinds of mental illnesses. I believe it was originally made for bipolar depression. Your determination to stay off prescription drugs as much as possible is wonderful. Side effects are awful.
I hope this might be an answer to your struggle.
Tammy
Tammy,
Thank you so much! I tried the Truehope supplement called EMPower Plus Q96 for a year. Unfortunately, it didn’t make any difference for me, but I have read up on several studies involving the vitamins and micronutrients in the supplement and, although more research still needs to be done, they all show promising results for people with bipolar disorder. So, the science is definitely there and I know that some people have found great benefit from taking it. Thank you so much for offering something to try to help me though. I am so humbled by everyone’s kindness!
Cheryl,
Thank you for helping me learn that some things like Empower Plus are good for some but not for others. I hope you continue finding ways to treat your depression. You are a good example.
Tammy
Tammy,
Sometimes I think it’s just me that these things don’t work for. 😉 Just kidding. But, definitely don’t stop trying to help others around you by suggesting things like this! Thanks again!
Cheryl thank you so much for sharing your story. I currently am desperately trying to help my 15 year old daughter who is battling severe depression and suicidal thoughts. It’s been a very scary journey so far and it’s only been, for us (my husband and I) since January, but finding out it has been much longer for her as she has been masking her feelings for a very long time. We are in the beginning stages of trying to find a medication for her, the first making her very very sick. She is the youngest and has 5 older siblings, not all of them understand depression. Your article has been so helpful to our family as well as extended family in trying to understand what she is suffering through. It breaks my heart and we feel so helpless. Our faith and knowledge of who we are and where we are going keeps us going, as well as does her, and thankfully has, so far, kept her from no longer choosing depression. Our thoughts and prayers go up for you and your family and thank you so much for sharing your story as it has helped our understanding exponentially!
Kim,
My heart broke as I read your comment. I am so sorry your daughter, you, and your family have to go through all of this. But do know that she is incredibly blessed to have a mom who is so invested in learning to understand–that will be such a key piece to helping her through all of this. And I am grateful and humbled for the opportunity to help your family understand what she is going through a little better.
The medication game can be long, frustrating, and painful. But encourage her to stay with it–the majority of people find something (or a combination of things) that help. Exercise, especially yoga if she’ll do it, is also one of the best ways to boost mood and the results can be immediate. That can help you all during this interim period while you all try to figure out the right medication plan.
And hold fast to your faith–that is the one thing that you can always be sure will never fail you.
I hope for all the best for your daughter and your family. Never give up hope. She will need yours on the days that hers runs low.
I love you Cheryl! I have been there! I literally thank God that I have only dealt with post partum and that its been manageable but that first year, especially with my first child, it was a horrible struggle to stay alive. I stayed awake at night trying to figure out exactly when she would be old enough for me to stop nursing but young enough that she would have no memory of me. I hate even writing that because of the guilt. I also remember a guy friend at the Y, the year before we roomed together, who just thought depression was impossible. Oh the naivety of youth and mental stability…
Kristen,
(Did I ever call you that when we were roommates? :P) I love you too! And don’t say “only post partum” because that is every bit as much of a beast too! Your comment makes me want to cry because I remember going through that very same thought process with each of my babies. The torture of those kinds of thoughts on a new mom is just indescribable pain. I’m so glad you persevered! I’m not surprised though–your kids are going to be blessed a million times over for your strength and your ability to love powerfully. And yeah, college kids–not the wisest in real life issues.
I’ve always said that words can’t describe depression and people can’t understand depression unless they’ve lived it. But you have done an excellent job of putting the feelings into words! Your post should be required reading for mental health providers and for friends and family of those who live with depression. Thank you for sharing your gifts of communication and writing skills.
Lori,
Wow. You are way too kind in your praise! Much of my posts feel like they come from a Higher Source though, and I am just the instrument in typing them. It’s a privilege and a burden, so comments like yours really help me to feel that it’s all worth it. Thank you so much for your words of reassurance!
Cheryl,
I am freely weeping as I read this, so many familiar feelings. Please tell me this is an example of a really bad day and not what you fight everyday?!
My first real boyfriend didn’t speak to me for 2 days when I told him I took antidepressants simply because he didn’t know what to say, people who haven’t experienced it seldom understand.
Thankfully my depression has never gotten as extreme as your bi-polar and I have found medications which help me.
I’m sorry to hear you don’t like to take meds. I understand with addictive ones like lorazepam but is there nothing else that can help? Is that because you haven’t found any that work for you or the side effects are intolerable?
I work as a pharmacy technician and come across many different drugs for the same conditions, is there anything you haven’t tried?
Whatever the answers to all me questions, please know that you are loved, valued and desperately wanted. No matter how bad it gets don’t let he depression win.
Love and prayers for you and your family.
Emily
Emily,
Yeah, this is definitely an “as bad as it gets” description. I’ve actually been in a pretty good place for nearly a year. Good for me, at least. 🙂
Thank you so much for your kindness and concern. I don’t avoid medications out of pride or principle. I spent over a year working with my doctor on trying to find the right combinations of meds in the right doses. After two hospital stays in less than 6 months they told me I’m “treatment resistant” and we all agreed that I had to go off of meds. I still meet with my doctor regularly and we discuss different medication options, but as of yet have not determined it to be worth the risk. Basically, I’m highly susceptible to side effects (even when I don’t allow myself to get any info on them beforehand!) and I get no benefit from the meds. I have tried several different supplements, but have yet to find anything that helps. I’m always open to new things though, so maybe some day I will find something that helps. For now, I have a pretty involved and strict regimen of lifestyle changes that I keep up with and that’s what has helped me get to this point.
Thanks again though for your kindness and empathy, both so readily apparent in your words. And for your prayers. There have been countless times that I’ve looked back and thought, “I shouldn’t have survived that, but I did.” And I’ve come to realize that it is 100% the prayers of others that have brought me through those times. So thank you.
Cheryl,
I don’t know if your husband even remembers me, but I remember him- and the way you describe him shows he hasn’t changed much in the last 16-or-so years. It’s a good reminder to me that we never know what kind of an impact we have on those around us- or how long that impact will last.
Adam,
Blake says he remembers you! And you are so right about the impact one person can have. He is incredible and I can’t imagine going through this with anyone but him by my side.
Have you ever read a blog post and thought, “Hey, that sounds like my life!”? Um, yeah. Your explanation of what it’s like to have depression as part of bipolar 2 is spot on! I’m so impressed that you are able to manage with minimal meds. It would be fun to compare notes. 🙂 Your attitude is perfect and you are so correct – I AM choosing to live with depression (or mania depending on the day!). I do it for my daughter, my son, and my husband. I should be doing it for me as well, but one step at a time. 🙂
Jennie–
Yes, I have had that experience! Isn’t it so reassuring to know we’re not alone in all of this? I mean, I hate that anyone else has to suffer this way, but on a personal level it makes me feel better and like if someone else can battle through this, then maybe I can too. You know?
Anyway, the only reason I’m not on other meds is because they make things worse instead of better. It’s not something I meant to do. So, if you’re on meds and they are working, I would say–stick with it and good for you! 🙂
And I’m glad that you see that it is a process of one step at a time. I struggle with that concept a lot of the time. My therapist is always getting after me for saying “I should…”, but it’s really hard! So, good for you for accepting the process! I will keep working on that. 🙂