TO READ PART ONE, TWO, & THREE OF “FINDING HAPPINESS IN LIFE, AFTER SUICIDE” CLICK HERE.
LEARNING, GROWING, HEALING
At this time, I was also reading in the book of Mosiah (in my scriptures) and noticing a pattern… When the Nephites were faithful, the Lord always delivered them from the Lamanites or whatever bondage they were in. He protected them and they were not defeated. They “poured out their souls to the Lord” and he was there for them, every time. I realized I was entitled to those same blessings that the Nephites received. It was particularly through Alma the Younger that I really learned these most essential principles of truth. Somehow, his example, his story touched me from the most inner part of my soul and it is through him I really learned how to rely on the Lord. Once I started applying all these principles Alma taught me, I slowly, very slowly could feel myself inching back to light and I could feel myself coming back to life. It was through these tender moments and steps too, that I gleaned my greatest treasures of life that I will hold onto firmly for an eternity. My hand was reached out to the Lord and he had a firm grasp on it. According to my faith he pulled me through one step at a time, teaching me all along the way. He filled my path with more tender mercies than I could even fathom, knowing precisely when I needed them, and also knowing precisely when I was ready to take on more, even if I didn’t feel I was ready. One instance in particular was when my bishop called me to be the Laurel Advisor (Sunday teacher for 16-18 year old girls) in my new ward. I was convinced that I was NOT the perfect example nor did I possess the right story. Nonetheless, I hesitantly accepted. I was also asked to give a talk in Sacrament on “The Sacrament.” Again feeling very inadequate… as I placed my foot out there, not knowing just where I would land for sure, I could see the purpose, and I could feel the internal progress. Each step helping me stretch beyond my known capacity, each time learning, growing and healing. I was beginning to smile again, I began to see my worth and the darkness that once encompassed my soul was being overtaken by light. It felt so liberating letting go and breaking free of all those chains that bound me, one link at a time. Through the Lord, I felt sustained.
BREAKING FREE
After about 6 months or so, I started feeling a gentle nudge that it was time. That life on the farm was drawing to a close. By this time, I didn’t necessarily want to leave. I had developed so many sweet relationships, and more earthly anchors the Lord put in my path. I had developed a love for all my young women and I really didn’t want to leave them. Still, I could feel our little journey was leading us another direction. After much prayer, fasting and thought, the answer came. We were to move to Boise, ID so I could attend school at Boise State University and further my education. As excited as I was to go, and I knew it was right… It was still hard leaving all these amazing people that had left a deep and lasting impression upon my soul; it was hard leaving life on the Farm.
An excerpt I extracted from my blog in July of 2011
“The past eight months in this little home have been big months of learning, healing and growing. These four little walls have endured and hold my deepest emotions, pains, fears and feelings. And thankfully, they have also watched me overcome some pretty great things and have witnessed my simple joys and triumphs. I love this little place. It will forever hold a special place in my heart. It is inside this humble little structure (of over 100 years) that I have been humbled and have learned the most valuable and tender things I ever have in this life.”
UNSTOPPABLE
Boise proved to be filled with even more learning, growth and healing. I felt free. It was refreshing to not have constant reminders of my past everywhere I went, but it was also refreshing to know I didn’t run from it either. My brother was already living there and had the cutest little house, complete with three bedrooms and two bathrooms. I tried convincing him that he didn’t want us to come join him, but he insisted, and we were grateful. We entirely enjoyed our stay there in every way. The ward was amazing; we found so many wonderful friends, more earthly anchors. We let our hair down and just played hard. Lot’s of swimming, park days and most of all, we LOVED those nights on the blue turf cheering for our favorite team. I set my sights on a Bachelors degree in Social Work and Preslee attended the preschool at Boise State; we called it “Bronco School.” It was so fun, letting go and learning to love life, once again. I had planned to at least be there until I graduated with my bachelors, but after we had lived there nearly two years and 24 credits shy, the Lord saw that our journey needed to yet continue forward. We had found that happiness on our own four feet and it really was time for the next chapter to begin. It came in the form of an amazing man named Drue; I call him my Cowboy. The Lord led me right to him.
TRUSTING AGAIN and a FOREVER FAMILY
As hard as it was to let go and trust myself, over the course of about a year, the Lord had given me all the confirmations, experiences and answers I needed with this man I was dating. We were “friends” for a long time, but I could see something greater was in the works as well. I just didn’t want to let my guard down completely until I knew he loved me truly and for all the right reasons and that this union was right with the Lord. He was also someone from my past, that I had known since we were about six years old, the Summers’ were family friends. Little did I know that that little boy I would chase around up on their dry farm, during a Sunday picnic or cheered for as he wrestled our Senior year (I was a wrestling cheerleader, don’t laugh) would someday be my eternal companion. Little did I know that he would find me after the most trying and tender moments of my life. He too has endured a lot, and has remained strong and steadfast through it all. We both also shared a common bond with our children, having girls the age of 4; they were just six weeks apart. The even crazier thing is he brought me home. I didn’t ever rule out moving home, but I didn’t necessarily see it happening either. It was hard leaving Boise and our life that we had established there, but I knew it was right and it was time to take a leap of faith, go back to where we started, and JUMP.
We were married and sealed on April 13, 2013 and I will forever be known as Mrs. KayCee Summers. We live just a few miles from the farm where Preslee and I once lived. I have my amazing husband and another sweet little daughter that calls me mommy. Preslee has a daddy to love and care for her, something that her little soul has yearned for since the day her father, Josh passed away. I have never seen her as happy as she is now, since his passing, which warms my heart to no end. She also has a life long best friend, her sister, Taylor. They are darling on an individual basis, but together, they are entirely priceless. We all fill a huge void in each other’s lives. It was the happiest most rewarding day of my life, the greatest testimony to me that when we endure, along with the tender mercies we witness along our journey, the greatest reward and blessing awaits us; we just have to be patient.
CLICK HERE TO READ PART 5 – “HERE AND NOW”.
Story written by: KayCee
This story was seen first on Real Imprints.
Boise State photos by Jamie Jacobsen photography. Wedding and engagement pictures by Natalie Marie photography.