I Refuse to Let My Suicidal Thoughts Win

Sea star

I live with suicidal thoughts. I live with depression. Almost every day I battle thoughts in my mind that tell me life is no longer worth living. Thoughts that come at the most random times that tell me to just end my life and that nobody cares. However, I am a fighter and I refuse to let depression define me or to let the suicidal thoughts win. I know that all of those thoughts are lies. I am loved, I am needed. So what keeps me going? Why do I continue to fight?

I know I am loved

When those thoughts come I think of my family and friends who I know love and care for me. I think of their broken hearts if I were to follow through and end my life. I refuse to hurt them. Every day my children remind me how much they love me, not so much in words, but in their actions. They don’t know what goes through my mind and how much I keep fighting for them. They just love me because I am me. My son doesn’t know that on the day he told me “you are the greatest mom, I’m lucky I have you as my mom”, that I really needed to hear those words from him. He doesn’t know what strength that gave me that day. My husband loves me and I would be nothing without him. My friends stand by me and are ready and waiting to help me when I need them. When I am down I think of the countless times my friends have brought flowers, texted, come over to visit, etc. I know I am loved by many and that keeps me going. All the little things others do make all the difference in the world.

God is with me

God is with me, of that I have NO DOUBT. He has not taken this trial from me but he has also not left me alone. He is my strength and I know He loves me. At my darkest moments I have prayed fervently to Him and I know He has pulled me through. I need God in my life and I KNOW I will never make it through this without him. The Lord is my light and my strength!

I don’t want to miss out on the future

At the worst times, I imagine all the things I would miss if I left this world: ball games, dances, graduations, weddings, and grandkids. Oh the grandkids, I can’t miss out on the grandkids! I remind myself of all the wonderful things life has to offer. Things may be bleak at the moment but they won’t always be that way.

I am needed

I try hard to think of the future. I image my children coming home from school but not having a mom there to greet them. I think of all I do to help keep our home running and all my husband would have to do if I weren’t here. He needs me here, my kids need me here. I am needed!!

I am a fighter

When the tide rolls out along the ocean shore, many sea stars are left clinging to the rocks waiting for the water to return. I am a fighter just like those sea stars. I can fight through the hard times so I will be there for the better times. I will win this battle!

So on days like today where the darkness is overwhelming and the thoughts are all consuming, days where all I want to do is crawl in a dark hole and disappear forever, I remind myself that I am loved, God is with me, I don’t want to miss the wonderful future and I am needed. I am a fighter and I refuse to quit because I can do hard things.

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please do not give up. Find help. Talk to a friend or family member, even when being around other people is the LAST thing you want, reach out anyway. Find reasons to keep going because life is worth it.

Written by: Anonymous

This article appeared first on Real Imprints.